Dear God,

A few days ago I asked one of my friends what it means to have faith in you. It’s not as if I didn’t know, but years after following you, there are still times when situations cast doubts on my already shaken faith. I don’t want to lie about it and claim that I stay firm in my beliefs when it is evident that I’m not completely rooted in your word.

I find it difficult to renew my faith in you because you kept silent when I needed you most. The footprints story which I got so used to turn to whenever I felt discouraged no longer work anymore — I couldn’t feel I was carried. I know that if I’d quieten myself down and be still,  I will be able to hear you. Or even feel you. But how?

The nights which I spent hiding under the covers fighting emptiness were unbearable. It wasn’t encouraging when I learn that I will never meet the expectations you’ve set for us, or so your Father mentioned.

I tried hard.

I fought single-handedly on most of my battles (or so I felt). I’m damn sure that my successes were the works of yours alone, and I’m unworthy to take credit for anything I’ve done. The failures were always consequences of my worldly behaviour, all because I’m born sinful without having a choice not to. Every so often, I wonder if following you connotes being drowned in self-defeating thoughts.

I knew it was your grace that I wake up each day to work without fail. I knew you didn’t have obligations to look after my well-being, but you did anyways. After all, like Judas Iscariot, I might well be a pawn of your plans; something to fulfill your higher intentions.

All my christian friends spoke with conviction that you loved us, and that the act of sending Jesus down to die for us alone is an undisputed testimonial of your everlasting love. They also mentioned that having a personal relationship with you is the principal factor for this “religion” to work out. But we drifted over the years.

I know damn well now that I shouldn’t have drawn conclusions from my daily musings to justify your silence these four years, which may have impressed upon my readers as if you have done me wrong. If I were a good christian, I should have believed in you. The adage, “You should have faith”, appeared umpteen times that I am so sure it will devour me sooner these days.

I’m unsure why prayers get unheard. I think many things I wanted to do started with kind intentions, and with good motivations. When they were unfulfilled, I employed my persuasion skills on myself that you’ve heard my requests and you’re probably of the opinion that it wasn’t the right time, so my prayer was KIV-ed.

I gave my best shot in asking for explanations when things didn’t go well smoothly. Yeah, the reason why I asked was because I couldn’t comprehend you. So do help me with ‘em already, will ya?

Please don’t leave me alone. I still love you.